Insecure Isabel
I recently got back from my California Christmas trip and it has been go go go here in New York with work and just getting my head screwed on. I am going to be honest, my trip was very stressful and not very relaxing at all. I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to and still got on the plane for NY feeling completely exhausted and deflated. It was of course wonderful staying with Jake, spending time with my sister, having X-mas with family, and (of course) seeing SSPA's Peter Pan! I have to say Peter Pan was a serious highlight! I am so impressed by my past students and the current instructors- I was teary eyed and laughing the whole show.
For some reason I didn't expect to feel so sad in Cali... I couldn't stop thinking about my Parents and how different things would be if I was coming back home to stay with them. I was feeling the "poor me" feelings... quite often. I also missed NYC. It has been three years since losing my Mother and wow-eee did I learn I have some pretty serious unresolved feelings about that. I know I talk about my parents a lot on this blog, but they are present for me every single day, so they will continue to come up.
If there was any doubts about Jake and I getting back together they are completely gone now. That man supported me during this trip on an incredible level. It felt like every morning I woke up I had a rain cloud over my head. So many memories of my parents are scattered through out the bay area. In New York I am creating a life for myself and everything is brand new. There is a lot of ache for me back home. Jake held my hand and filled me with love and confidence getting me through the rough period. I made it through and don't want to dwell on it... but it did bring to light some more work I need to do towards healing. We all have our heartaches and it's important to recognize them and not just brush them under the rug.
I have been working everyday (finally off today!) since I got back from my trip. I flew in to NYC before midnight on the 28th and when I turned my phone off airplane mode I had texts from work needing me to come in the following day. It has been 6 long days (through New Years Eve & New Years Day) of work and today I finally was able to sleep in a little and catch up. I organized my planner and even went to dance.
Dance class... here comes the embarrassing story. I pride myself on hard work and professionalism, but that doesn't mean I don't still struggle sometimes. I decided to go outside my comfort zone for the new year and take a tap class. I usually take musical theatre, broadway jazz, and ballet. I have some tap basics down but I am not a tapper... I walked into a beginning broadway style tap class and within 15 minutes I knew I was in over my head. It hurts to even type this. My ego got a blow today in a way it hasn't in a long time. We had a rhythmic tap instructor as a sub for one, and secondly everyone else was far more experienced in tap than I am. I struggled through our warm-up but made it through without looking too ridiculous. We moved on to across the floor and it gradually got more and more challenging and out of the five other students it was very obvious whose taps were tappin' off the beat. Spoiler alert- it was me. I'm always used to being one of the strongest dancers in class, so my ego got pushed down a notch knowing that I was the weakest dancer in the studio. I got picked out a few times and had to try things on my own- I tried my best. We learned a combo with steps I had never done before and I was a hot mess. I asked questions and was able to break things down slowly but I couldn't keep up with the rest of the class in regards to the correct tempo. The worst part... my cheeks are red even now. We had an improv tap session. We all faced in a circle and had 8 counts to improv one at a time. The other girls were literally dancing circles around me and every time it would come around to me I prayed a desperate little prayer and shuffled my heart out. If it wasn't clear that I was not in the right class it was very clear after improv. We finished class with work on pull-backs. If you know what pull-backs are I'll leave the rest up to your imagination. If you don't know what pull-backs are... my body basically couldn't decide if I was going to fall on my face or bottom. At the end I thanked the teacher graciously and hurried out of class wishing I had decided on ballet that day. The next tap class I take will be a basics class... and I'll be sure it's with a broadway style tap teacher. As a dance teacher myself, you think I should have been kinder to myself, but I struggled so hard I was on the verge of tears most of the class. I think I played it off cool but, ya know... it hurts your face to try to look composed when your dying inside. I always try to take appropriate dance classes for my level and abilities... so I felt embarrassed that I had chosen a class I wasn't ready for. Typing this all out now I feel silly... like, get over yourself girl! We all have a wonky dance class every once in a while! This was just a humbling experience and I am ultimately happy it happened. I will continue to work on tap, and continue to try new things. I am not a perfect performing goddess... and it's okay to struggle through sometimes if that's where you're at. I'm going to take the advice that I used to give to my students: The only dancer to compare yourself to is the dancer your were yesterday. I haven't felt this insecure in a dance class since high school... which I think means I need to continue on the adventurous path!
Happy New Years! I am very excited for what this year holds. Jake and I are currently prepping for his big move to NYC! As always, I hope everyone is well, thank you for following my adventures and for your continued love and support!
xo,
Is
For some reason I didn't expect to feel so sad in Cali... I couldn't stop thinking about my Parents and how different things would be if I was coming back home to stay with them. I was feeling the "poor me" feelings... quite often. I also missed NYC. It has been three years since losing my Mother and wow-eee did I learn I have some pretty serious unresolved feelings about that. I know I talk about my parents a lot on this blog, but they are present for me every single day, so they will continue to come up.
If there was any doubts about Jake and I getting back together they are completely gone now. That man supported me during this trip on an incredible level. It felt like every morning I woke up I had a rain cloud over my head. So many memories of my parents are scattered through out the bay area. In New York I am creating a life for myself and everything is brand new. There is a lot of ache for me back home. Jake held my hand and filled me with love and confidence getting me through the rough period. I made it through and don't want to dwell on it... but it did bring to light some more work I need to do towards healing. We all have our heartaches and it's important to recognize them and not just brush them under the rug.
Dance class... here comes the embarrassing story. I pride myself on hard work and professionalism, but that doesn't mean I don't still struggle sometimes. I decided to go outside my comfort zone for the new year and take a tap class. I usually take musical theatre, broadway jazz, and ballet. I have some tap basics down but I am not a tapper... I walked into a beginning broadway style tap class and within 15 minutes I knew I was in over my head. It hurts to even type this. My ego got a blow today in a way it hasn't in a long time. We had a rhythmic tap instructor as a sub for one, and secondly everyone else was far more experienced in tap than I am. I struggled through our warm-up but made it through without looking too ridiculous. We moved on to across the floor and it gradually got more and more challenging and out of the five other students it was very obvious whose taps were tappin' off the beat. Spoiler alert- it was me. I'm always used to being one of the strongest dancers in class, so my ego got pushed down a notch knowing that I was the weakest dancer in the studio. I got picked out a few times and had to try things on my own- I tried my best. We learned a combo with steps I had never done before and I was a hot mess. I asked questions and was able to break things down slowly but I couldn't keep up with the rest of the class in regards to the correct tempo. The worst part... my cheeks are red even now. We had an improv tap session. We all faced in a circle and had 8 counts to improv one at a time. The other girls were literally dancing circles around me and every time it would come around to me I prayed a desperate little prayer and shuffled my heart out. If it wasn't clear that I was not in the right class it was very clear after improv. We finished class with work on pull-backs. If you know what pull-backs are I'll leave the rest up to your imagination. If you don't know what pull-backs are... my body basically couldn't decide if I was going to fall on my face or bottom. At the end I thanked the teacher graciously and hurried out of class wishing I had decided on ballet that day. The next tap class I take will be a basics class... and I'll be sure it's with a broadway style tap teacher. As a dance teacher myself, you think I should have been kinder to myself, but I struggled so hard I was on the verge of tears most of the class. I think I played it off cool but, ya know... it hurts your face to try to look composed when your dying inside. I always try to take appropriate dance classes for my level and abilities... so I felt embarrassed that I had chosen a class I wasn't ready for. Typing this all out now I feel silly... like, get over yourself girl! We all have a wonky dance class every once in a while! This was just a humbling experience and I am ultimately happy it happened. I will continue to work on tap, and continue to try new things. I am not a perfect performing goddess... and it's okay to struggle through sometimes if that's where you're at. I'm going to take the advice that I used to give to my students: The only dancer to compare yourself to is the dancer your were yesterday. I haven't felt this insecure in a dance class since high school... which I think means I need to continue on the adventurous path!
Happy New Years! I am very excited for what this year holds. Jake and I are currently prepping for his big move to NYC! As always, I hope everyone is well, thank you for following my adventures and for your continued love and support!
xo,
Is
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