The Truth About My Break-up and Six Tips on How I Survived

I was desperately searching on google, How do you know when it's time to break up? 

Take it back a few months when I was still in my relationship: Some days I could keep it together while other days I would just start crying and not know how to explain myself. I wanted my first love to be my last. I wanted to get married and start day dreaming about babies. I wanted to create the type of life and family unit I had been missing since the loss of my parents. Besides that, I was in love. What could possibly go wrong if the love was so strong? A lot.

If the love was there, everything else would follow... that's what I learned from musicals and old movies. We were so in love but our views on the universe were different. When it came down to it we were just on different journeys through life. I knew that for a long time, but didn't want to face it. He admitted that he felt the end of our relationship coming too. We had quite the epic love story filled with fast love, passion, struggles, growth, breakups, reunions, etc. Just shy of our four year anniversary things ended. 

I couldn't tell if we should break up or not. I had... and still have and old fashioned view of love and relationships. I made a commitment to him. As far as I was concerned, we were practically married all ready. Months before we broke up I wanted to pick out a "promise ring" or promise piece of jewelry to move our relationship and commitment to the next level... he did not understand. This was just one of the many things we didn't see eye to eye about. Promise rings aside, the bigger problem was that our fundamental views on how to live life were different, we didn't understand each other, but we loved each other.

How could I leave someone I decided I would love forever? I wanted to fix things instead of leave him. I had been trying to fix things for years though- something just wasn't right with us. 

I finally happened upon an article (which I cannot find for the life of me) that read something along the lines of; How do you know when it's time to break up? The same way you know when it's time to get out of the bath. You just know. 

It was definitely time for me to get out of the damn bath.

I skirt around some of the details of our dis-function because it's personal and I want to respect his privacy. The part of my break up that I really want to share in greater detail is the after part. I will share that for the time being we do not communicate, which is a decision we made together. Someday I pray we can be friends. We have a mutual best friend who has let me know he's doing well, delving back into his artistic roots and finding himself, which makes me very happy. Through her we've communicated good intentions and hellos periodically back and forth. This, in my opinion, is a good way to break up and stay broken up. 

Now, how are you supposed to survive a breakup? I had absolutely no clue. 

I'm a big believer that your heart knows the way. Your heart will guide you when you don't know what to do... so I followed my heart. Pretty corny, but pretty spot on for me. Below are some tools and new habits I've incorporated into my life to heal some wounds.

1. Give Yourself Some Serious Freaking Love

Take the time to love yourself and get to know yourself again. Chances are you've been neglecting your needs for quite some time. Try to treat yourself the way you wished you partner did... the way you should have been treating yourself all along. Take the time to notice what makes you so amazing. Some of my favorite acts of self love include; meditating, bubble baths, buying flowers for myself, making delicious dinners for one, and taking that pamper routine seriously! Sometimes it's not easy to love yourself, so- you have to practice at it.

2. Exercise! 

I know, I know... everyone says to exercise, but it actually does make you feel good! Choose something big or small to add into your daily routine. I threw myself hard into my exercise routine.

 "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't."- Elle Woods from Legally Blonde. 

My exercise program gave me something I had to do everyday, and it also gave me a safe place to throw my frustration and anger into. In my case, I needed something that would wear me out and distract me. I eventually added some yoga and pilates in to help relax and calm myself... but at the beginning I just needed cardio so challenging and exhausting I could escape my brain for 45-60 minutes. Not to mention feeling strong gave me a huge confidence boost, and when girlfriends brought over a pint of ice-cream to share... i had zero guilt. So, exercise! You'll never regret a workout.

3.New Hobby/New Job

Pick up a new hobby or job! Learning a new skill requires focus and attention... and not dwelling on your ex. I picked up a new photography job which is completely different than anything I've ever had to do before. If this job didn't come my way I might have taken a class on something I've always wanted to do. I'm still considering circus classes. Once you go from we to I, you get to make all of the decisions for yourself. Being independent is liberating. 

4. Change Up Your Space 

Take ownership of your space again! I was so excited to get to have a girly room again. I bought a new vanity, and a vintage dresser. I put my keepsakes from my relationship away in the closet for when I wanted to re-visit them later. I pulled out my stuffed animals, and princess trinkets I kept hidden away during my relationship. Waking up in a newly decorated room made me feel excited for my new chapter. Even without new furniture, just changing things around, and putting your past relationship out of sight can be incredibly healing. I took this as a chance to get parts of the old me back while discovering exciting parts of the new me. This type of change also included my social media space. Seeing pictures of my ex and I from when we were happy, or when we looked happy and actually weren't, was heartbreaking. I made the decision to delete our pictures from my Instagram and Facebook. This brought me some closure and peace. I don't look at it as erasing him from my life. You can always save those photos to a folder for when you want to look back, which is what I have chosen to do. 

5. Spend Time With Friends

Prioritize your friends! Living in NYC, I now know, you wont see your friends unless you put in the effort. Now that you're single... it's the perfect opportunity to catch up with your girls. Lean on them, don't replace your ex with them (cuz' nobody wants that in the long run), but talk things out, and listen to them as well. It's amazing to open up to your friends about your pain, thoughts, ideas, and inspirations. Listening to them will also be grounding. Friends have advice, their own experiences, and they're also just moving along living their own lives! Don't forget to ask them how they've been and what they're up to, get outside your own head. I treasure my friendships so much and it means the world to get to see them more often now. 

6. Relationship Reflection: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly 

Once you're ready... it's a good idea to reflect upon the relationship. Give time to grieve your relationship. I kept thinking, this is the third worst pain I've ever experienced. The most painful experiences I have ever had was, of course, the loss of my parents. This breakup was not quite as heart wrenching, but it was (unexpectedly) a similar pain. To me, the loss of a partner is similar to death. Your partner is not dead, but the relationship is. Let me say plainly, death of a relationship is not failure. Just because things didn't work out doesn't mean you failed! But, you are letting go of a relationship and a way of life with that person. Remember the good times, the bad times, and don't forget about the ugly times. They are all important times and they help us grow. I am still sorting through my feelings for my ex but I am already in a place where I treasure the time I spent with him. It wasn't great all of the time, we had a lot of issues, we weren't ultimately right for each other... but I recognize the importance of the relationship on my life and on his. I hope as time goes by I recognize that even more. I try to see where I went wrong, and I try to see what just didn't work. All of this reflection helps you as an individual but also helps you have a better and healthier idea for your next relationship. What do you want? How can you be a better partner in your next relationship? What don't you want from your next partner? What don't you want? 

Final Thoughts

Days after my breakup I remember looking around the subway train wondering if every adult I saw had been through a break up. Probably. Most adults you encounter have been through it, which for me, was encouraging. Life is so hard, and we experience so much loss as we move through. Knowing you're not alone is important. After a breakup, regardless of who did the "breaking up", it's easy to feel isolated and frightened of what's coming your way or what isn't coming your way. The truth is, you don't know, you never know. But, by listening to your heart and taking the brave steps to live each day- you're on your way. One day at a time will bring you closer to your truth.

As I move into the next chapter of my life I am feeling stronger and happier with myself than ever before. I still cry over my ex, I cry that I now refer to him as my ex, I cry that it didn't work, and I cry because I miss him... but I am ultimately happier on my own with the help of my new lifestyle changes.

The truth is, you can and should treat yourself with the love you always hoped for from a partner.

Treat yourself with love, take yourself out on dates, buy yourself your favorite flowers, and by the time you are ready for a new relationship you will be a much better and more full version of yourself. You cannot love someone else if you don't love yourself. 

With all of that said, I still believe in fairy tales and romance and I will make the active choice to see the good in this world. I hope you do too. 

xx, 

Is